why do i care?

Why do i care? why do i wish the truth was out? why am i still hung up on all this? They dont care, and havent cared in a long time, if ever about us or our family so why do i all the sudden feel this deep seeded need for them to like me now? I dont care. it will not better not worsen my life to have them apart of it. It will not make me a better person by having them around. It will most likely reduce alot of stress and drama to have them not. I will miss teh kids, that i will. But if their parents are that stupid then, it can not be helped. I wish for cathy to find a way to get past what happened, and perhaps someday give us another chance. I wish for bob n liz to stop betraying her and tell the truth reguardless of the outcome. I will not hold my breath. But what i will try to do and want to do and need help in doing is letting go. If they dont feel the need to fight to be apart of our lives, why should i fight to be a part of theirs? they had nothing to do with us and wanted so little to do with us for a very long time. why now does it bother me? they ahve lied over and over before why now do i care? please Lord help me release, help me let go. I place it in your hands now Lord. You know the truth and if you see fit you will bestow it upon whomever needs it. Thank you Lord. In Jesus' name, Amen

So i applied at a few places. I pray that if i get a job i can hopefully help maintain the fort we call a home. I pray i get a job. because we cant live like this anymore. We cant live with daves checks being taken by the electric bill every month and then haveing to scrimp and save after the other bills just to make ends meet at all and going with out necessities. I need this Please Lord i beg of you let me get one of these jobs. help me to keep them no mattter the cost. because the cost of not getting and not keeping it is more terrifying than i want to even think about. Please Lord, Please guide me to the job you want me to have and please help me be first pick of the batch of applicantes. Please Lord help me get a job. We need this, i know you can see how badly. Thank you Lord for this opportunity. In Jesus' Name, AMEN!

I feel like an outsider. I feel like i dont belong anywhere, with anyone. I feel as if my own husband cant even stand me. I have no friends, except on internet one who is the equivilant of typing in this blog only she responds. I feel as if no one really wants anything to do with me. Im too broken, too damaged, too much to deal with. I feel as if i am no one, with no where to go and nothing to do. Why do i even exist? so i can raise rotten kids. so my kids can hate me and the world can hate them? I am no one. I am nothing. I have nothing .I am just this fat blob that no one really gives a shit about unless they need a punching bag. literal or verbal. I am hurt, i am scared, i am terrified. I dont konw what to do? i want friends. i want family i want to be loved by my husband in such a way that he is proud of me. I want my husband to be able to pay the bills. and i wish i could help. i wish i could trust him and myself that if i get a job. he wont be looking for the someone who isnt too busy. i am scared he'll cheat again. im scared that he is already. Im scared that one day. i just wont be anything at all. not even the shread of loly existance i am now. I am scared that no one will even notice im gone. just like they dont even notice me now...